alatefeline: Painting of a cat asleep on a book. (Default)
[personal profile] alatefeline
I’ve had a difficult day so far. (grief, death of a loved one, altered states of consciousness, minor injury) From waking up early with yesterday missing to long exhausted sleep and the whole past week refusing to sort itself calendrically in my mind. Through a lot of crying and some screaming. Choosing a surreal and difficult book to read, and having a surreal and difficult conversation I wouldn’t have chosen. Bad news in the mail and more paperwork piling up. Dizziness, and not wanting to take my meds because I know I need *some* of the insight that’s *harder* to reach when I take them, and taking them anyway because of knowing I need to because insight does fuckall good when I can’t function.

And of course remembering my uncle dying and knowing that he is still dead—

The necklace I ordered from kyleri when I at the lodge and thinking about gifts for people and realizing I probably needed one for myself—well. The necklace came. That was good. I needed to touch and hold something that came from a friend. I’m wearing it right now, and thinking about the name of the piece, which resonates a lot. See title. It is very beautiful.

(Pics/desc maybe to follow—?)

Reflecting on the fact that in addition to being necessary, fighting with the paperwork on taxes and insurance is a form of the terribly unfun sort of self-care that I’m *not* emotionally motivated to do *merely* because it is wise or productive however much I wish I was so motivated. However, knowing that doing that work is a way of standing up and spitting defiance in the eye of the people and the Powers that want me and mine dead and defeated, yes, that is one hell of a motivation to take care of my household’s health and finances.

I think I’ve walked around backwards enough, and gone in and out of behavioral loops and bled from itching insect bites and ate and drank things that weren’t the best plan except that I needed to let myself go, and I’ve cried and screamed. Time to get my head on straight for awhile, time to walk the other branch of the double spiral, all things going inward outward, grieving by doing things being no less or more than grieving by not-doing. Which means, if I need to do some sensible things, it is time, sensibly, to rest awhile.

(Post date and activities referenced not necessarily in chronological order—)
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alatefeline: Painting of a cat asleep on a book. (Default)

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