alatefeline: Painting of a cat asleep on a book. (Default)
[personal profile] alatefeline
You can call me alatefeline.

More detailed rambling about name and pronouns and gender feels below.

1. nicknames

If you’re being friendly, I’m likely okay with a nickname. If I’m not for some reason, but you seem reasonable, I’ll let you know to switch. (If you don’t seem reasonable, we probably won’t talk much; however the arrow of causality on that doesn’t reverse because I sometimes don’t talk much to ANYone due to brainweasels.)

Always fine with: alatefeline, my DW name, on or off DW. Respectful nicknames based on that content are okay: wingcat, kit with wings, flying kitty, catperson, feline friend, skydancer, etc. Nicknames based on the syllables: okay with feli, ala, etc; please be aware it’s ‘alate’ as in ‘winged’ not ‘late’ as in ‘tardy’ etc.

Also pretty much always fine with: first initial of my wallet name, C.

On other websites I’m fine with: whatever handle I use there.

If we’ve met in person or exchanged mail & addresses or similar: offline, I’m fine with you using my wallet name; use caution in PMs, emails, etc; don’t post this in public or semi-public, and remember my blog is public. If we’re doing any kind of business in person we can deal with full legal name and honorifics, otherwise first name lastname, firstname, or first syllable of firstname, or all 3 initials are all fine.

Capitalization or lack thereof isn’t a big deal, though.

2. pronouns

Pronouns: pretty much ‘they/them’. As I use they/them pronouns, the set is gender neutral and/or ambiguous in implication. For me they are singular in content, plural-ish in conjugation though it has been pointed out to me that I do use ‘themself’ which is not strictly plural; I appreciate the ability of ‘they’ to render grammatically indeterminate, hence TBD, plural or singular. Also how a sentence like ‘they are alatefeline’ collapses somewhat the not-useful-to-me distinctions between ‘are’ that can be second or third person or sometimes first person, plural or singular, and the ‘is’ that is reserved for singular third person.

I don’t at all mind other common gender-neutral pronouns for myself. I have one friend who is strongly inclined not to be okay with ‘ze’ and I am willing to respect that. ‘Ey’ is fine. ‘Per’ is fine. And so on. Using a name or name-abbreviation as a self pronoun is fine.

And then there’s the other ones.

3.

If you’ve met me in person, you’ve probably heard gendered pronouns used for me.

I’m in a transitional place now with regard to pronouns. I’ve outed myself as genderqueer to the important people in my life who can be expected to get that; but I’m still pondering what they looks and sounds like in terms of constructing a reasonable non-work social life, especially since Aspie as I am peopling is hard and my social life is still always under construction.

I’m kinda wincing at the next bit. If pressed, I would describe myself as cis-ish and as not wanting to appropriate for myself the term transgender, though I am fine if someone describes me under that as an umbrella term. I am almost always read as cis female. Only clued folks ever clock me, face-to-face, as anything gender-non-conforming at all, and only if I’m either laden with pride gear or interacting for an extended period of time without much social masking up. I’m often socially read as quite weird in mentality and cultural lack-of-fit, in ways that include ‘failing’ female gender norms, but I’m not, in other’s minds, generally placed outside of them by that - as far as I can tell, from the various micro-misreadings I get. My body is pretty much female as far as I know, with autism enriching and adjusting all its systems but not removing the sexed components. I don’t have a problem wearing this body, but it makes me feel sick to think I should have to be a female person because of it. My mind refuses to grok gender at all; I can appreciate in others but it makes no sense for my inmost self. The only term I’m really comfortable with is genderqueer.

I’m not COMFORTABLE with doing so, but I’m still ASKING that ***if*** you already use ‘they’ for me you DON’T switch over to gendered pronouns when we’re interacting face-to-face. Unless we interact a fair bit in front of other people I know who may not get it / there is some safety and welfare reason for doing so / I ask you to because of reasons because we’re spending a lot of time together. S and I for example are clear on her pronouns when we talk to and about each other but mine are a work in progress… Since I already HAVE it, KEEPING the ‘they’ going is a way for me to accustom my ears.

If I have to bring up the topic and I feel safe doing so, I would introduce myself saying that my preferred pronouns are ‘they’ but I’m fine with ‘she’ as well. If I got words out. Because I can’t handle the shear between trying to interact at all and needing to conduct constant pronoun-repair.

(I’m not fine with ‘she’. But I am easy with it, accustomed to it. I’m just not OKAY with it.)

At work I use ‘she’ because I can’t even.

(I feel guilty about my fear but am sensibly trying to be both brave and smart, not foolhardy and inclined to jump into crocodile pits out of moralistic masochism. There are much more pleasant ways to hurt oneself than to induce a visibly avoidable social clusterfuck and the attendant panic attack. Especially since personal long-term prospects for laying the groundwork to more gradually adjust my relationship to these issues are, in relation to overall context, pretty good. E.g. I live in Portland, Oregon.)

So I wouldn’t be mad if I got ‘she’d’ but online here I would probably work very hard to make sure I overcame my anxiety and asked to correct it. In face-to-face space it’d likely be a tossup between not-noticing, anxiety-whirl-induced silence, situational reasons not to bring it up, and fixing it.

I’d really rather not ‘he’. It’s at least as bad a fit for me as ‘she’, without the habitual and fly-under-radar components.

I was going to write about 3 sentences to try and update and streamline my sticky post. Ha. Ha. Ha. I love you, folks. If you’ve read this far you get a virtual cookie.

ETA: Also please feel free to comment here, or on another post/comment from me, or message me, whenever, regarding any identity/name/pronoun stuffs you want me to do differently/better for you!!!
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