alatefeline: Painting of a cat asleep on a book. (Default)
Grapes and figs and apples and berries fruiting in my neighborhood.

Feeling well enough physically to go do things outside. Feeling better mentally after going outside.

A long walk and a quick bus ride.

Photographs of bunnies courtesy of https://kaberabbits.tumblr.com/.

A cool breeze. The weather generally relenting a bit.

Views of Mt. Hood from the slopes of Mt. Tabor.

An enormous fallen tree covered in moss and the saplings growing out of it.

Getting my brain to be a notch or two quieter by writing and walking.

Sitting in the sunshine surrounded by tall grass and listening to birds and squirrels.

Taking photographs of assorted trees and flowers.

My stuffed animal friend Bunbun that I have had since I was born. (Technically before. Bunbun was given to my mom at a baby shower while she was pregnant with me.)

A shower.
alatefeline: Painting of a cat asleep on a book. (Default)
Paperwork headdesking: a simplified transcript.

Warnings for major complications of the 'bureaucracy is literally trying to kill you' sort, systemic transmisia & ableism & classism, capitalism devouring its young.

Read more... )

FUCK FUCK FUCK. *sound effects of smashing things, ripping with vicious claws*

I'm going out. *doorslam*

ETA: I did indeed go out and that was good. I went swimming in a river! And other things have come along that need dealt with, sigh. Thank you for all the support, both those of you who have commented and anyone reading and well-wishing later. I may close comments here shortly because I need to move on mentally; we'll see. <3
alatefeline: Painting of a cat asleep on a book. (Default)
Things which have, today, delighted me:

Improvements in my overall mental and physical functioning of late; most especially, the energy to do small practical things and random acts of kindness without nearly always stalling out somewhere between the idea and the result.

People being happy about things I have said and done for them or for the world in general: an online friend who got a package, a physical-space neighbor who is possibly on the way to being an actual friendly acquaintance, a partner who gave & got help, listening, and smiles, a passerby who called us superheroes for putting out a smoldering leaf pile where someone had tossed a cigarette.

Petting numerous cats. So many! So fluffy! So purr! 3 of 4 cat sightings successfully negotiated to pets on my morning walk, plus 1 kitty this evening on the way back from the car. Cats yesterday, too!

Our garden plot. The shade of the central fig tree is extraordinarily peaceful. In various plots, there are strawberries, blackberries, raspberries, and blueberries in some stage of bearing fruit. In our plot, we have lots of herbs, lots of things growing that aren’t harvestable at the moment, and a tremendous bumper crop of green beans! I am managing - so far - to handle totally-reasonable-in-origin worries about watering enough, weeding enough, and logging required community service hours despite the entirely unreasonable level of anxiety the provoke. With the rich compost that I nurtured on my shovel and the herbs that I grew in my mouth and the sun on my back and the wind on my face, it’s pretty doable.

Dreamwidth, and the community I find there. Thanks.
alatefeline: Painting of a cat asleep on a book. (Default)
Still present. Staying with things. Uncle slept all day, is declining, no longer able to drink liquids. Aunt got out of the house for a few hours while we (Dad and I) were there. Cousin age 5 is a handful and a delight. We fought many monsters, took the dog for a walk, and ate gorilla food (gorilla munch brand corn pop cereal, yogurt, sliced fruit). At lodge to rest now. I am sad and not okay, but I am okay with not being okay, and I am here.
alatefeline: Painting of a cat asleep on a book. (Default)
So to provide a little more context for my last post…

CW: discussion of death and dying, major illness, family ties, travel uncertainty

Read more... ) Neighbor crow, I am listening. Uncle, I love you.
alatefeline: Painting of a cat asleep on a book. (Default)
Hey! I'm here, I'm alive, and I'm more or less working on some things that will help with various things. Also some good things because Spring!

Context & Bad Things: Friday I commented a bit about being really miserable. A Bad Thing happened at school, and I was processing that. Read more... )

Good Things:

The plum, apple, and cherry trees are in full magnificent blossom here in Portland, with pear and crab-apple still in bloom but starting to drop petals and leaf out. There's that particular intense reddish pink that I want to call cherry-candy-colored but it is historically older and prettier than cherry candy! Sunrise cloud red-pink?

S and I are struggling with some communication with each other - I miss her nonverbal signals; she has a hard time finding the spoons to verbal at me - but we're very aware of it and love each other a lot and are working on it, and I think we made progress talking and listening before she needed to go to work. Progress is good!

I have discovered the Everything Croissant. You know all those seeds and spices and onion bits and more seeds you get on a good savory Everything Bagel? Try those swirled into a croissant with extra butter, and shaped like a giant muffin of croissant-y tastiness for extra silliness.

We got our community garden plot assignment at last! Payment, required training and volunteer hours, first day to weed and turn over, details of commute, and deal between me and S on who does what still to be worked out, but WE GOT ONE YAAAAAAY! And okay, it is far away, but still YAY GARDEN.

I have actually seen the sun at least briefly more days than not this past week.

One of my school kiddoes LOVES the sensory activity kit I put together for her and it is also helping with eliciting some spontaneous oral language stuff. Other stuff is complicated but hey smile of pure joy on little kid's face after squishing a squeezy toy and ringing a little silver bell = YES. Also several students keep giving me dandelions to wear at recess, so I do. <3



I have some time and some energy now and will try to go do some things accordingly.
alatefeline: Painting of a cat asleep on a book. (Default)
I am at my parent’s home, my childhood home, in Kansas City, cleaning out my closet and bedroom. About sixteen large boxes of papers to go thru, ranging from elementary on up thru grad school, much of it sorted repeatedly but all still needing reorganizing and tossing of much of it, but not all - I refuse to toss everything. Lots of fun going thru memories; avoiding ruminating on change, loss, etc so far. Joy in noticing continuities and recovering old creative work. I was very prolific with poetry, sketching, world-building, and childish short stories! Need to tap back into some of it and keep going. Feeling strange but overall positive at this point. Just shy of halfway of a first pass thru all the boxen, getting rid of obvious junk only.
alatefeline: Painting of a cat asleep on a book. (Default)
You are a person and therefore you deserve love and care and safety.

Length, content warning for battling with brainweasels Read more... )

ETA: Comments are now screened in case someone wants to share a personal reaction in private; I will ask before unscreening.
alatefeline: Painting of a cat asleep on a book. (Default)
cut for length; contains positives including food, self-care, and moments at the school job
Read more... )
alatefeline: Painting of a cat asleep on a book. (Default)
Grateful that (feelings, people, animals, and things including food)...Read more... )
alatefeline: Painting of a cat asleep on a book. (Default)
In this entry, I process some bad news about family. Content warnings: illness, dementia, coming to terms with death. I will go on myself, but hugs are appreciated. Read more... )
alatefeline: Painting of a cat asleep on a book. (Default)
Slice of life. May contain traces of: brain weasels, culturally pre-programmed for your inconvenience brain weasels, peopling, not peopling, sleep, food, chores, not doing the chores, whining, complaining even though it could be worse, extreme ramblyness, nuggets of oddly chipper

Read more... )

ETA: I did indeed go to the gaming thing on Thursday and it was awesome. Good good good. Oddly enough going to the game store works better when I plan around saving spoons instead of dumping them on little stuff like *hurrying* and *saving seats* and *will there be anyone there I like.* So many shiny peoples, I can even text with a phone, yes yes. *wibbles a bit* Energy, so weird a thing.
alatefeline: Painting of a cat asleep on a book. (Default)
I made cookies! Yay! Aaaaugh my brain! But, yay cookies!

(Food, recipes, holiday making, family angst, arguing with my own brain…)

Read more... )
alatefeline: Painting of a cat asleep on a book. (Default)
So I communicated and people were awesome and A Plan was made and an outing happened and it was really really good and I gauged my time and energy well and was barely anxious while out and about and am back now and have some peace and WHY AM I EMOTIONS AAAAAAAAH.

Read more... )
alatefeline: Painting of a cat asleep on a book. (Default)
Arrival. At last. Awkward. Awesome. Antlers.
Birds. Barnacles. Beginnings. Backtracking.
Creek. Coast. Coffee. Conversation. Comparisons.
Departures. Differences. Driving. Dogs. Driftwood.
Elk.
Forest. Fog. Family.
Gas stations. Greetings. Gulls. Green land. Golden light. Grilled cheese.
Haystock Rock. Hera of my heart. Hugs.
Interesting. Intriguing.
Juice.
Kingfisher.
Lunch. Looming landscape.
Mist. Morning. Mussel shell. Mystery.
Not sure. Necessary. Novelty. Nuance.
Ocean. Outdoors. Out of bounds.
Paths. Pelicans. Petting. Photography.
Questions. Queerness.
Rain. Route. Road. River. Running.
Sand. Surf. Seaside. Shells. Sand dollars. Splash. Swim. Sunset. Sunburn (ouch).
Tide. Tidal pools. Tourist town. Tsunami evacuation route. Trees.
Uncertainty.
Walking. Wading. Wet.
Yawns. Yards. Yearning. Yes.
Zephyrs. Zoonosis (hopefully not). Zest for life.
alatefeline: Painting of a cat asleep on a book. (Default)
Buh. Bzuh. Tired. Left house at 11, back now at 4:15. Spent day gardening. Much help from lovely S. Went to garden store for more gloves and trash bags, to home & garden repair store to rent string trimmer, grabbed snack. Went to garden plot at community garden. Yanked and cut weeds. Tied up berry canes trailing into garden plot. THORNS. Yanked and cut weeds. Ate cloudberries. Tried to make trimmer work. Got it working for less than two minutes. VINES. Unwisely switched trimmer off. Was unable to get back on; very frustrating. Yanked and cut weeds. S returned trimmer to rental place. Yanked and cut weeds. SMELLY WEEDS. Spoke to parks and rec staff member trimming public area; got assist trimming paths. Cleared off path. Yanked and cut weeds; piled on path. S returned. Bagged up weeds. Three super size trash bags plus, and the first bag broke. Put tools away. Took weeds in car to dumpster. Garden is now at a normal instead of terrifying level of weeds. Still need to mulch paths, turn over soil, clear some crops, plant for fall, all within less than two weeks and ideally before school gets started, to be in compliance with garden standards. But did biggest things: bureaucracy and weeds of doom. Take that anxiety monster. Ha. WE HAVE GARDENED.
alatefeline: Painting of a cat asleep on a book. (Default)
So! Excellent, confusing news! Yesterday afternoon, a very dear old friend, A., that I have not seen in some time nor stayed in good touch with showed up on my doorstep out of the blue. He crashed at our place over night, and we (he and I for part of the time, and he and I and my partner S for another part of it) had a wonderful time hanging out. A. is moving to a town about two hours from here and would like to hang out on a regular basis!

So I have complicated emotions about this because of Feelings and Worries, but also, it is really really wonderful! I had so much fun! I have all the exclamation points!!!!! I am very grateful to the universe for reminding me that surprises can be wonderful and friendship is immensely rewarding and I usually have more ability to have fun in me than I necessarily notice or access - those are all good to know. I’m so grateful. And a bit dizzy and disoriented because SURPRISE visit. Yes I trust my old friend such that this is perfectly fine, but I did end up running around doing laundry and things and trying to think of a place to go to because I hadn’t had any prep time.

But it was fine that things were messy and dizzying. We’re tribe / extended family together. I couldn’t stop him from helping with the dishes but I did manage to buy him his stack of books at Powell’s. So… I’m probably going to fall over at some point today because way more socializing than usual, but it was so worth it. And really good timing actually!

Yay for unexpected time with dear friends!
alatefeline: Painting of a cat asleep on a book. (Default)
Trying hard to take care of myself (sleep! food! safe feelings! water!), do my work, and still accomplish some of the little things that make life better. I will do the smart things! And it will work!!! Because!!!!!

Recent good things:

- Porch Cat came down off the porch and sat in my lap for petting!
- Among my impulsive grocery purchases the other day were some organic black olives that turned out to be really really tasty and have raised my bar for what to expect/accept.
- I am rereading "Always Coming Home," by Ursula K. Le Guin, and it is, as always, one of the most remarkable books I have ever read.
- I have a safe bed with soft pillows in a functional apartment. This is worth noting.
- My partner S and I continue to have lots of quiet walks and lots of hugs.

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