alatefeline: Painting of a cat asleep on a book. (Default)
[personal profile] alatefeline
content note: generally low-pain person complaining about pain, please skip if you like; bad brain; fatigue; anxiety; medical stuff

So that joint issue that's been hovering around a 2 or a 3 on the aggravatingly-bad-but-I-don't-know-what's-better pain scale? Spiked really badly this week; by Tuesday it was bad, and then of course work carried on regardless so it got worse and worse. As in 'can't stand up without leaning on things because my knees hurt so bad.' As in 'whimpering while trying to sit up.' I'd put it at a 7; I definitely was falling apart just from owwww by the time I got home Friday.

I should NOT take Benedryl to help me sleep when I have sinus-y allergies or general owww, no matter how well it works. When it wears off I have two to three days of Horrible Things and I can't actually predict what they'll be (last time it was my body refusing to actually digest any food whatsoever; this time it was really terrible joint pain - it was about a 3 or 4 on Wednesday when i decided to take the Benedryl, and then it hit a 5 first thing Thursday and only went up from there) but they will be Horrible.

Also, I am still having Bad Thoughts (about how nice it would be to hurt myself, which comes out of the blue and I don't actually agree with it, but it just turns up) and feeling so tired I can hardly move by the end of work almost every day. Eating enough protein and even just enough actual food at breakfast and lunch helps stave that off, but I'm too tired and oww and bad brain to set up food for tomorrow in the evening!

What I'm afraid of is that this is a preview. Of what my joints and digestion will do if I don't figure out what I have to do to manage this stuff. And it's probably really specific exercises, and a really specific diet that might be gluten-free, dairy-free, added-sugar-free; and those will be HARD to manage, because I'm barely managing BASIC food and movement right now, and sometimes not that... And maybe some kind of medication (but I DO NOT want anything that fogs up my brain OR makes me hyper (and therefore anxious) so that's kinda limiting...but I KNOW how delicate the balance of my brain chemistry is to stay in the 'functionally productive' zone...) but it's going to be a real process managing it and I'm afraid I'll fail to be good at it and therefore damage myself. BUT. If this is the next challenge in my life, FUCK if I'm not going to TRY to be good at it. If it's working, things might be easier... buying and eating an expensive gluten-free dinner that contained vegetables, instead of pizza, last night was definitely a Good Call.

I really, really, really need to get a doctor to take me seriously about this, and I am having really shitty anxiety around appointments because I've missed so many of them. So I think I have to wait until the end of the school year when I will actually have enough time to do something other than collapse every day when I've gotten through work.

But it hurrrrrrrrrts.

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alatefeline: Painting of a cat asleep on a book. (Default)

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