alatefeline: Painting of a cat asleep on a book. (Default)
I'm pansexual. And poly. And autistic, which matters, because I process romance and attraction differently because I process everything involving people differently.

I also think more like (my mental construct of) a cat than I do like (my mental construct of) a generic neurotypical human in my society.

I'm genderqueer. I use they pronouns for myself when with friends. I'm not out as genderqueer at work because people are having a hard enough time with reconciling their mental concepts of me-as-autistic and me-as-competent-human-being. I'm out as queer basically everywhere because I am privileged enough to have a liberal family background, and live in Portland, OR, and be white, a young adult, and not visibly disabled.

I have lots more Words, but not the energy to Explain right now. But I wanted to participate in the whole Coming Out Day thing.

(PS: You don't have to come out if you don't want to. Or if it's not safe. Or if you've already done it 500 times and just don't wanna again. But if you want to there are sparkly rainbow balloons and people who want to chill with you and cheer you on. In fact, whether you are queer or straight or some other option, out or closeted or whatever, here, have a balloon. It's shiny.)
alatefeline: Painting of a cat asleep on a book. (Default)
Emergency mental grounding for self and partner in the middle of the night because shadows on the mind ate a very important word: the "it" in "I want to get it away from you."


I even feel better myself, under the *giddy*.

However: I am not flight checked on this size of vehicle!
alatefeline: Painting of a cat asleep on a book. (Default)
More good things. (Because they are good, and because I’m still upset and need the discipline of identifying positives.) Read more... )

Many good things, yes, and one is having time to be here!
alatefeline: Painting of a cat asleep on a book. (Default)
So to provide a little more context for my last post…

CW: discussion of death and dying, major illness, family ties, travel uncertainty

Read more... ) Neighbor crow, I am listening. Uncle, I love you.
alatefeline: Painting of a cat asleep on a book. (Default)
yes I am going to portland pride probably today and tomorrow

I have decided I will top off whatever comfy clothes I end up wearing with scarf layers in purple white and green, because

when exactly will depend on scheduley things like partner getting her meds and also how much my shoulder is hassling me today etc

if we know each other and you are in Portland please feel free to PM me for my phone number for texts; however I may well be too overwhelmed to actually check it once I leave the apartment so caution is advised

i will drop by dw sometime tonight and tomorrow night so folks know I am still here
alatefeline: Painting of a cat asleep on a book. (Default)
So I decided to write a brief conversation with one of my characters to help me get into better understanding the moments of conflict and change in the story I've been working on for awhile. And, well, Alauno showed up to royally tell me off for leaving her in her current stuck place plotwise.

And also hammer home a message that all the things I'm doing are really part of the same task. Again. (THANK YOU, universe, dropping the exact type of ***beadwork*** I've been doing in also was *more* than enough on top of the *breathwork* during the professional development session on childhood trauma and resilience.)

She got a bit stroppy. Like writer, like character perhaps.

(And oh great, I called myself an writer, I really really really have to get my daily 500 words in all February. Good start today...)

Read more... )
alatefeline: Painting of a cat asleep on a book. (Default)
Instead of New Year’s Resolutions, I’m doing New Month Resolutions. I think this is preferable because setting a personal goal for one month lets me assess and redirect. This gives me the opportunity to go from beginning to end in a short enough time frame to think through each day and week of working with that goal, to diagnose what helped and what didn’t help. It means that if I meet my goal, I can set a new goal that build on it, or turn to another area. If I don’t meet my goal, I can reframe it, or focus elsewhere for awhile. I can do each of these several times, if necessary. By the end of the year, I should hopefully have twelve interesting experiments in hacking my own brain to achieve things.

Read more... )

I sort of had to reinvent the wheel on this one, because I needed it to be *my* wheel. In spite of having awesome examples of people who set goals, meet goals, fall short of goals and reassess, and set new goals in front of me literally every day. Read more... )

Apparently for a lot of people, breaking a goal down exhaustively for how to do it and measure it isn’t strictly required. Read more... )

For January, my resolution is a daily writing goal.
alatefeline: Painting of a cat asleep on a book. (Default)
Long Night here. (Long day in the southern hemisphere.)

Grateful for you all.

Yule Blessings; may the coming year hold much of cheer, may the sun come around again with us all wiser but not too much sadder. Happy early Christmas, or Chanukah, or any holiday you celebrate. If it is Summer Solstice for you, enjoy the turn towards Fall. If it is Winter, as it is for me, then I hope your skies are clear and that you have the chance to (literally or figurateively) light a beacon, see the stars bright in the greater Night, sing a round, plant a seed for the coming Spring.

It's cold and dark out there; I'm so glad we have each other. Friends, kinfolk, strangers chance met, even enemies if you will put enmity aside. You are welcome by my fireside.
alatefeline: Painting of a cat asleep on a book. (Default)
So...I'm really not okay now. But I shall be ... enough to be going on with.

CW: bad brain, self-harm, strong language Read more... )

I'm choosing to focus on things I'm grateful for anyway.

CW: food, interpersonal dynamics, healthcare mentions Read more... )

In conclusion, please, give someone a little love tonight, whether that is you or your pet, the family you choose or the community that calls to you, someone online or someone offline, a friend or a stranger.

And know that I am grateful for you. Even if you've never commented, I am grateful that people care enough to read this; I write it first for me, second for the people I talk to, but thirdly, for anyone who may someday stumble on it and nod and say, "Oh, okay, that's a thing that happens." Which - it is. Whatever strange experience you have had, is valid. Whatever story you have to tell, is worth telling. Whatever emotion you feel, is important. Whatever choice you make, matters. Whatever cause you stand up for, matters, even if we never see how or why.

The person who invented the hand-ax never saw a computer. And neither did her friend who told her, "Hey, it's okay, I really liked that one you made a few days ago, keep trying." And I know that person existed. I know that someone was there to hear, as well as tell, the first stories. To grind the pigments for the first communal cave painting. To bring water, maybe in cupped hands or hollow shells or a leaf basket breaking as it was used, to the mouth of the child who would grow up to build the first ceramic pot. So if you have encouraged someone - your loves, your passing acquaintances, even yourself - and told them not to give up, you are as heroic in my books as the people who kept the first hearth burning. Because that, my friends, *is* keeping the flame alive.
alatefeline: Painting of a cat asleep on a book. (Default)
Remember, taking care of oneself, of loved ones, and of other vulnerable people is a way of fighting back. Identifying things that go right and feel good builds mental and emotional strength and resilience.

Some good things in the last day or so (includes food, beverages, sleep issues, school job, political action, books): Read more... )
alatefeline: Painting of a cat asleep on a book. (Default)
I can’t even begin to accept this, but I have to believe it. Now … I try to put together the pieces of my life with an added shadow of fear. And start researching moving abroad. Seriously.

If we’re killed in a nuclear war or someone tries to round up dissenters, I was glad to have known you all.

If, as I fear is more likely, the creeping shadow of a dystopia that is crueler and more unequal to more people than ever before takes over … I think know where my lines are drawn for my personal actions, but I'd better put it in ink because things are going to get harder.

And I won’t be quiet about what I believe is right, ever, in the small scale or the large. What has speaking calmly and trying to get along bought us tactically? Slow starvation of essential resources. So that’s my resolution now: be loud.

Those many people, likely to include some of my loved ones and me, just about to arrive at too ‘discriminated against to be able to live a good life’ will have some damn fine company among those who have been living on that edge forever.

This is going to be hellish to live through and nobody knows what if anything is on the other side.
alatefeline: Painting of a cat asleep on a book. (Default)
I went looking for some insight, for a way to shift and rearrange the broken pieces of my understanding of how to live a decent life in a messed-up world. I brought back a poem to write. I imagine that I will heavily edit this later to better serve as literature, message, and/or exemplar of my work.

Right now it is raw. I don't think it even succeeds in conveying the central insight I had unless you follow the same path in your brain as I do when you think about what it means to be part of something truly bad and still try to do good. It is what I needed it to be now today.

I welcome discussion if you want, on the piece as either vehicle of personal insight or as poem. I think it will eventually fission in that regard. On where it came from, what it means, how it could work better, whatever. And if you need to scream at me for my failures after reading it I am okay with that, though I certainly don't promise to encourage it.

Please don't read this if you are in or close to a bad head-space right now.

Content Warning for: unedited dark insights, gory imagery, transfiguration, collective guilt, the impact of racism and the implicatures of white privilege, queer and complicated hope

No title yet although it may end up being something like "Blood Phoenix"

Read more... )
alatefeline: Painting of a cat asleep on a book. (Default)
I profoundly philosophically disagree with statements of the form that “X is what Y deserves.”

Content Warning: angry philosophical rant, discussion of blame, retribution, and forgiveness, graphic imagery

Read more... )


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